glitterburn: (YSQ)
I wish I got Nectar points or something with YesAsia.

Red Cliff 2 is out in 10 days! *pre-orders*
Forever Enthralled is out in 20 days! *pre-orders*
Bargain TW super edition of The Good, The Bad & The Weird already out! *buys*

I have been assured that I can perv at Takeshi in leather trousers in Sleepless Town. YesAsia price (Japanese version only, no subtitles) costs a horrific US$65. What! For that price I want Takeshi to come round to my house wearing his leather trousers!

Back-up plan: Amazon re-seller, £5 for the HK version with English subtitles. Awesome.
glitterburn: (Cao Cao is in pain)
No, not the one with Jet Li and Tony LCW but the 1997 film with Takeshi in it.

Well. This is the funniest film I’ve seen in ages. I actually cried with laughter at some bits. Okay, it’s a Shaw Brothers film and Shaw Brothers = Purveyors of Cheese, but this is from 1997, not 1977! Not that you’d know it, because this is pretty much Shaw Bros paint-by-numbers. Woe for the fact that Adam didn’t turn up as one of the gangsters.

Takeshi goes from looking ridiculously hot to just ridiculous in the space of 0.4 seconds, but to be honest I was too busy laughing to care. He really, really looks like Andy’s character in Shanghai Grand (which was made in 1996) – same hairstyle, same little hawk nose, same clothes, even a scene where he goes bowling… all we need is for Takeshi’s character to make a puppet out of an old sock and he would be Andy Lau. Even the plot is remarkably similar to Shanghai Grand, with the exception that Hero doesn’t have Leslie in it, and one of the chief pleasures of Shanghai Grand is Leslie in the shower. Oh yes.

Actually, some of the fight sequences are pretty entertaining, even if I’ve seen better in Once Upon A Time In China. As a bonus, we get a random scene in a teahouse where Peking Opera is playing and the dan has a wtf moment. Later we get to see the same teahouse as patronised by Jet Li in every movie he’s ever made apart from Danny the Dog.

Takeshi has the best line: “Don’t pee on my gun.” Not quite in the same league as “You bastard, try this melon!” from Gunmen but an impressive line all the same.

EEEEEEE quotient: Very well-developed.
Anime Eyes: *shine shine shine*

Scene that made me laugh the most: Takeshi *headdesk*


Surely one of the most craptastic films I have ever seen. 2/10!
glitterburn: (ZL tortoise)
Long leather coat – check.
Leather fingerless gloves – check.
Stubble – check.
Artfully tousled hair with red streaks in it – check.
Cool shades – check.
Boots – check.
Lots of guns – check.
Hot motorbike – check.
Cars exploding – check.
Slo-mo action sequences – check.

Returner is a movie you watch with your libido and not your brain. I started trying to describe the plot here then realised how deranged it was. Never mind, I didn’t watch it for the plot.

Takeshi’s range of acting is as follows: frown, pout, look dumb, smile, boggle, frown, look tortured, frown, and EEEEEEE. Watching this shiny commercial piece of silliness made me even more impressed with what he did with Zhuge Liang. In Returner and Confession of Pain he’s a fairly middling actor; in RC he was simply amazing. Funny what a good script, a good director and an iconic character will do for a man’s acting ability.

Generic baddy is generic and hilariously over-acts, but that’s probably for the best as the dialogue is pretty dumb and the plot even worse. “It all makes perfect sense!” Takeshi chirps at one point, and I’d have to respectfully disagree with him on that. For all the cheese, however, it’s a pretty entertaining film. lovehkfilm did a better review of it than I ever could, but I will say this: Returner does exactly what it says on the tin – just under 2 hours of mindless fluff and Takeshi running around in a long leather coat. Unfortunately he doesn’t get into any leather trousers (why the hell not, Keanu Reeves did in The Matrix and Miyamoto seems to be a bargain basement Neo). My quest to see Takeshi in leather trousers and nothing else continues.

For all the leather and tight jeans and floppy hair, the one thing that sold me Takeshi’s character in this film was very minor – he wears a scraggy bracelet of old Chinese coins (part of his Lame Yet Tragic Backstory). This made me squee. Now I want to make my more knackered Tang Dynasty coins into a bracelet [randomly, as I was just looking at my coin collection I found the larger pieces I bought outside the temple in Huzhou – which I’m pretty sure are not coins but something to do with charms – and two of them have the eight trigrams on the reverse!].

maybe more than a hotel room thing )

The film gets 5/10 and Takeshi gets 9/10 for hotness. Would have been a 10 if he’d got himself some leather trousers.

March 2016

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